A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Regents Test...

By my junior year, I had pretty much come into my own as a slacker. For the Chemistry Regents exam, the Simpson brothers and I decided we were going to show up in our bathing suits. Only our bathing suits. And something to write with. So we did. Sure we had clothes in Rob's car - just in case we got called on it - but we didn't. It did kind of freak some of the teachers out, but they weren't prepared to send us away. Rob and I had pretty decent tans that we had worked hard on, and Scott was hairy as a bear. That was pretty funny... but not my funniest moment* of high school.


I had Mrs. Wilhelm for Social Studies my sophomore year. When she asked me to answer the question "Why were the Middle Ages called the 'Dark Ages'?", time froze. In a half a second I had many thoughts. This was it! All those years of studying Bazooka Joe were going to pay off!

I love how the landlord flies backwards after hearing the punchline! That always happens when I tell a good joke!

I fantasized like Ralphie in A Christmas Story that when I said this punchline, the other students were going to fall out of their chairs with laughter. I debated whether I should actually say this punchline and cause such chaos, but Mrs. Wilhelm had chuckled earlier in the year when Bob Maher asked her why the Social Studies teacher went to India for lunch.** I imagined my name going down in school history as my O'Neill's biggest smart ass! This was gonna be huge!

So I unleashed it: "Because there were so many knights in it!" Remarkably, there is actually audio footage from that class! Click here. "What did you say?" Mrs. Wilhelm asked. "Because there were so many knights in it!" I repeated. Again. "What?" she asked again completely puzzled. I let it go.


The funniest thing ever said in my presence, though, goes to Norm. Norm was in our class for a few years, but he moved away before graduating. Frank Fey came up to him in the hallway along with several of his henchmen. Frank was a world class smart alack, but a bully, mmm, not so much. I honestly don't think he had it in him. But on this day, he came up to Norm with his posse and said,"Hey Norm. Say your mother sucks." Without missing a beat, Norm says,"OK, Frank. Your mother sucks!" Now that did generate side splitting laughter from Frank's cronies. If you're out there reading this, Norm, well played!


*I mean, high school was just chock filled with hilarity. You know, diagramming sentences and all that stuff. Absolutely hilarious.

**Because she heard there was a New Delhi there!